Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

It's also remembering him calling me a s**t mum though I was doing everything as well as trying to cope with what he was putting me through
I am extremely hard on myself daily

[Zoe7]

Understand completely @Former-Member It is degrees of anxiety that I struggle with everyday as well as depression and PTSD - so you are not alone there  I feel like the anxiety sometimes takes over and I am not who I want to be either - it makes me very isolated and I don't feel capable of interacting with people - even on here sometimes. It is a very hard position to be in!

Him calling you a sh*t mum is his way of putting you down where he knew it would hurt most Hon - I can say don't let that play over and over in your mind but that is easier said than done. I hope you know deep down that your child loves you and that is all that matters - and I am sure you are doing the absolute best you can under the circumstances. We are our own worst enemies at times @Former-Member - give yourself a break occasionally and say this is not who I ever wanted to be but I can find ME again - you don't lose who you are - that YOU is still inside of you waiting to come back out... baby steps and little things for yourself that mean something to you... 

[Appleblossom]

A tattoo is a huge commitment to loving kindness. @Former-Member I am sure it can come back to you in time.  Think of it as covered over but NOT really lost. (sorry ed)

Getting the abuse out of your head will take time.  I still suffer when triggered, but believe you can live mostly free from it and find the things that work for you.

Gentley Bentley

[Former-Member]

@Zoe7 To me you make more sense than anyone battling it & from an outsider I think you carry yourself very well whilst fighting your hardest. You very much seem to understand. You are right. I am not who I want to be too. I want to be ME not HIM not anyone else just ME. I feel that too with isolation. I have a hard time connecting with others. I have found it hard interacting with old gfs or seeing old gfs or catching up with people that were in my life prior because to me I feel like a completely different person and I don't think they would recognise me because I don't recognise myself anymore.
I find it hard allowing anyone to get close
I find it hard getting to know others i find it hard to open my heart and be loving because when I was I just got hurt repeatively and let down. I find it hard to now be forgiving because I was so forgiving.

[Former-Member]

@Appleblossom More than anything I just want him out of my mind.

[Former-Member]

@Shaz51 I apologise for being disrespectful, rude & selfish. I'm sorry

[Appleblossom]

@Former-MemberIt is important to reclaim all the things that are part of the well you or ... are things that you want as part of your life.

One of the reasons I started singing was because it took over my head and my mind was influenced with better things than the abuse.  I squeezed out the bad stuff by squeezing in good stuff.  Does that make sense.

If you feel up to joining the Friday Feast thread there are lots of lovely decent people sharing there at the moment.

[Zoe7]

I speak from experience too @Former-Member - years of different traumas - dv resulting in nearly dying and placing my trust in those that let me down - so I find it very difficult to even begin to trust anyone. I have always been quite independent - had to be from an early age - but that can also lead to isolation. I don't have any friends - no-one I can call up and say let's catch up or I need to talk - that is both because of my trust issues and being hurt so deeply in the past that I have shut myself off from those kind of interactions to protect myself. It is not that I don't get on with people - quite the opposite in-fact - it is purely to protect myself from any further pain - because I don't have the strength to add to the pain I already feel. So I can totally get why you find it hard also to allow anyone to get close - we hide our pain so it does not hurt others but in doing so we further hurt ourselves by cutting ourselves off from the world. ...and I think one you get on that slippery slope it is really hard to put the breaks on and change direction - but it can be done and I feel you have a much greatly chance of getting off that slide than I do @Former-Member 

[Shaz51]

sending you lots of tender hugs @Former-Member 

we all have our good and bad days my friend

thank you for tagging me in your journey

[Shaz51]

sitting with you @Former-Member